It is torture to read a novel not just because nobody in it goes to the bathroom, spends every night watching TV, or surfs obsessively on their phones, nor just because the novel was permanently discredited by David Shields’ Reality Hunger as a Victorian form that has not evolved. (I’ve never been the same.)
Sean Tejaratchi (q.v.):
Another screamingly funny visual pun that hasn’t gotten old in a year and a half as rotating desktop wallpaper.
Literature and novels (cf.):
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can’t produce a visual pun
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do not acknowledge motocross ever existed
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never feature characters who set up rotating desktop wallpaper, check their phones in bed, have specific iPhone models, use emoji, sit on Twitter all day arguing with “Nazis,” take shirtless photos for Instagram, use Instagram, use any service like Twitter or Instagram, use any such service as frequently as they are designed to be used, retweet, DM, PM, favourite, like, block, misspell and mistype constantly in instant messaging, have multiple instant-messaging services, send dick pics via instant messaging (not SMS), know what SMS is, accept that SMS exists, that’s what it’s called, and that it’s a 20th-century technology that never gets mentioned in literature and novels, go to the gym, stand in line at the off-brand grocery store after work three or four times a week, have a commute, do the laundry, leave laundry in a pile unsorted, iron shirts, iron trousers, screenshot (v.), PVR Game of Thrones, torrent Game of Thrones, sit on the phone with a cable “provider” disputing a charge, have Spotify going in the background all day literally every single day of the year (or Bassdrive), walk the hound, Swiff (except in Super Sad True Love Story), file a GDPR data request with Facebook, delete their Facebook, ever have a Facebook at all, live in a world where Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or even the Internet exists, used the Internet for more than two decades, watch YouTube constantly, inhabit a world where YouTube exists, have tediously unremarkable shit to do at work every fucking day, buy new chinos at H&M, shop for basically anything, with multiple stops at different stores all coming up bupkes, used to be on Friendster, ride a dirt bike, want a girlfriend but are just paralytically incapable of talking to females, blow three or four other guys a month, hate their gay-married husbands, hate their coworkers, get shitcanned, pay tittystreamers for attention and basically prefer that now, get a boner at the gym, show their boners at the gym, get the AIDS well into the 21st century, have three different “dating” apps on their specific iPhone models, and those are just the gay ones, seethe, post to Twitter and Instagram about how racist their adoptive White countries are, smoke-bomb gay-pride parades, have a “browser” on their “laptop,” have tabs open in their browsers, open a new tab in their browsers, download a PDF they’ll never actually look at, go to church, can’t believe doctors still use fax machines, read books without noticing they never resemble any part of their lives whatsoever, all the way down to spending the entire last quarter of the 20th century never mentioning the fax
As such, David Shields is and was correct: “Literature” really is a Victorian form that hasn’t changed one iota even if its stories are set in outer space.
Someday you’re gonna die. Imagine having spent your life reading literature and novels. Either this desktop wallpaper goes or I do.