1. The Onion, 2013:

    [Q]uarterback Tony Romo returned to the practice field Thursday for the first time since undergoing surgery to remove a painful ovarian cyst…. “If we had waited any longer, it very well could have spread to his uterus. Hopefully Tony can still have children.”

  2. Babs Kruger, 1991:

    Black male in backwards baseball cap. HELP! Graduation is coming and I’ve got a good job lined up. I want to get my life together. But my girlfriend is seeing other guys and I just found out I’m pregnant. What should I do?

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None. I quit.

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