GUEST: So we have a race war. But it’s a Twisted Metal race war. So we get all these identitarian groups – they have to build, like, a souped-up car with guns all over it. They fight in a tournament, and whoever wins gets to make a wish. And that’s how we solve all our problems.

So the White nationalists can have, like, I dunno, maybe some type of white sports car – no, they should have the fuckin’ Duke boys’ car from Dukes of Hazzard. That could be the White nationalists’ car.

HOST: The General Lee.

— Yeah, the General Lee. Then, you know, you’d have a Cadillac for the black nationalists – the WE WUZ KANGZ. Like, really go all out.

— The hood ornament being a big pyramid.

— Yes! So every identitarian group gets like a car that they get to race to the death. Then it’s actual unironic-wordplay race war. […]

And clowns – the ice-cream truck, obviously that has to be the pedophiles. So the pedophiles get the ice-cream truck, or the windowless van that says FREE CANDY on the side.

— Or remember the van that the man was driving that sent the fake bombs to CNN and to MSNBC? He had that giant Trump van?

— Oh, like really, the sky’s the limit. […]

You gotta get a driver and fight to the death and shoot each other with guns ’n’ shit. Like, think of the entertainment value.

— I’m thinking of it right now and laughing my ass off. I’m picturing like gun turrets on top of Trump vans and, you know, the General Lee and a giant Cadillac, and, you know, it’s basically The Running Man but Race War.

— Literal The Race War. And the double entendre is just beautiful. […]

— Well, you could also have like obstacles, like the Black Lives Matter shooter from Dallas and the guy from New Zealand. Like, all of them will come out at any given time and like try to take out some of the racers but not others.

— Yeah, like in Carmageddon, you’ve got like snipers on the roof. You could have like antifa – what car would antifa have?

— A Volkswagen Beetle. A 1970s Volkswagen Beetle. It’ll have a souped-up 454 big block in it, and the guy would have to sit in the back seat to like push on the gas pedal. Or remember the hippie buses? The Volkswagen hippie buses?

— Like the Mystery Machine.

— Yeah, exactly. Maybe that’s what they can have. Other than that, I can’t think of anything but maybe a Prius.

— Oh, no. Oh, shit. That’s the perfect car for antifa is a Prius. Because like antifa are a bunch of middle-class college kids with rich parents pretending to be communist revolutionaries, so the Prius is the ultimate thing. And then what they would do is just like, their special move would be to like launch an antifa person like onto the roof of your car and like hit your windshield with a bike lock. […]

— Only it would be like body odour and like bike locks.

— Yeah. So that’s a race war I can get behind is a Twisted Metal literal race war with different identitarian groups with souped-up cars. […]

— Somebody said “What kind of cars would our border brothers drive?” That would be one of those lowrider, like—

— Or an El Camino.

— Ooh, even better, ’cause the El Camino has the area for the turret in the back. You’d have the one or two people driving it and they’d have the gun turret in the back which lobs like avocados and –

— No, their special move in the El Camino would be a guy comes out with like a leaf blower and starts blowing everyone’s car away…. The front of the car would have a lawn-mower, like, blade on it to like run over people and stuff.

— So they wouldn’t even have to stay on the course, ’cause they could go veer off because they wouldn’t worry about getting stuck in the grass or the trees or anything ’cause they can mow right over it.

— Right. They’re also immune to water ’cause they can cross rivers. […]

— And basically like Linda Sarsour driving the Islam car. The White nationalists? Richard Spencer for sure – he’s trying to like dust the car while he’s driving to make sure that it doesn’t get too untidy.

And, I mean, the beaner car would just be amazing. That one would definitely be the best…. It would be like Voltron-style, you know, where the Mexicans could combine into a super-Mexican, and then get into the back of the El Camino…. The whole car could be a lawn mower. It could transform into a lawn mower.

— Well, that’s what I mean. You need a Mexican, not a Mexican’t.

Howard Beale Presents: The Race War

  • LGBT shows up in a phalanx of identical lowrider ’98 Subaru Outbacks

    • Black Lives Matter forms a human chain in front of the Subarus’ phalanx of gunmetal-grey cowcatchers, sets off smoke bombs, forces toughest bulldyke to sign a list of demands, then transition

  • Our gold sponsor, the Federal Reserve, appears as an animated hologram of an eyeball inside a pyramid

  • Uncle Otto drives his own Duesenberg. (“Neo”-Nazis? Try O.G. Nazis!)

  • Master of Ceremonies Bernie Sanders arrives in a silver-lamé ZiL limousine, with liveried driver packing an A.K.

  • All the number girls are in burkinis!

  • Who’s that special mystery guest in the burka? Just going by the silhouette, is she – or he – packing a machete?

  • Infield sponsored by the Sackler family. Bring your own trailer!

    • “Hey, Brandine! BLM done finally showed up!”

    • Complimentary sewer and power hookups, free wifi, free propane (limit one canister per EBT/Veterans Administration health card)

    • A T‑shirt cannon? Not hardly! How ’bout an OxyContin cannon? (Maude Flanders still dies)


(Via; q.v.)

The foregoing posting appeared on Joe Clark’s personal Weblog on 2019.04.09 13:40. This presentation was designed for printing and omits components that make sense only onscreen. (If you are seeing this on a screen, then the page stylesheet was not loaded or not loaded properly.) The permanent link is:

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None. I quit.

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