From Berthold Fototypes E1.

Eye, the most expensive graphic-design magazine, continues to baffle. The Winter 2007 issue, located for free at the library, contains:

• An ad from Monotype pushing its scalable fonts for mobile devices. What fonts? American Uncial, Benguiat Gothic, Raphael, Rotis, and about ten novelty fonts.
• An article by Robin Richmond entitled “The Look of Web 2.0” that completely misses the point of what that is. “[T]here is a 2.0 ‘uniform,’ with the result that a vast array of sites ultimately look the same.” Richmond is trying to talk about gradients and big green or blue buttons with Myriad type, but fails at this straightforward task of reiterating common wisdom. And his screenshots from Facebook, Technorati (who?), Flickr, and Spreadshirt don’t look the same at all.
• A good short piece (yes) by Khoi Vinh (yes) advocating a mobile-centric design for mobile devices.
• Three largely incoherent articles on reviewing the recent past to predict the future; interfaces; and green printing.
• A single-page photo essay on trucks in Mali and Senegal – reminiscent of articles by Bob Christgau trying to sell the idea that guitar-based dance music from African nations really is important and interesting. (It may be undesign, but Eye has run too many articles on this sort of thing, always from Third or Second World nations. In fact, there are two pieces on India right in the same issue – one of them a solid report on “fairness” creams. But how about undesign in Scotland? Or undesign in government documents? Not worth covering because the undesigners are whites living in a rich country?)
• Yet another feature on Kyle Cooper. (Did it bump the feature on David Carson to the next issue?) And whaddya know, there’s a couple of frames from Seven. Here Cooper’s stilted, over-rehearsed quotes were obviously E-mailed in. (“It’s not at all easy to live up to the promise of the work I did in the past. Or even try to repeat it. The conditions are not the same, nor are the participants, to engender those pieces.”) Using E-mailed quotes is a venial sin; as they are one step removed from an African cabinet minister’s official statement about his upcoming corruption trial, a real journalist refuses to interview a (hearing) source via any method that isn’t voice.
• A full page of nonsense from Steven Heller about how not all designers are liberals, with a plethora of unattributed quotes from his hated and feared rivals, the bloggers. We’ll see if they publish my letter in response.

But what really got my goat was Liz Farrelly’s piece about ATypI Brighton. “Scholarly research was to the fore at this conference – but not simply for its own sake, as lessons were to be learn[ed].” Then the first person she name-drops is Sumner fucking Stone. I talked to him on the phone in summer 1986 about going to work for Adobe – really – but come on, apart from being told over and over again that his accomplishments are many and storied, are they, really? When was the last time Stone Sans really worked for you?

Farrelly couldn’t cover everything. (Funnily enough, I could – I guess that’s the superiority of the Web for you.) But what am I, chopped tofu? I gave two goddamned lectures there, one of which was all about new methods for research. (Incidentally, how does Eye render the name of the conference? With everything but yp in small caps: ATypI.)

To add headache to injury, the magazine offgasses and the pages stink. Greener printing, please.

Here we have a scan of the cover of the February 2008 Fast Company, a magazine that has shucked off the delusional cult newspeak of its origins without managing to become relevant in the process. (Photo credit unknown, and I can’t even ask the magazine about it, since there’s no contact information online. Scan from an eBay auction.)

Dirty Jobs is one of those alternative hits, like Buffy or Project Runway – a show everyone watches that the mainstream media, to the extent it still exists, refuses to admit everyone watches. (“Canada’s watching CSI,” surely?) Dirty Jobs was Mike Rowe’s idea. (So was converting it into a full-on Ford advertorial.) He’s an overly chatty, well-read, rough, tough, jolly sort of fellow, and an outright fetish object for legions of bears, who trade and publish screencaps of Mikey’s many episodes of shirtlessness. He has a straight guy’s indifference to partial nudity. (Is your teenage son gay? Ask him to take his shirt off.)

He’s also getting older, which gives him, on the one hand, saggy-chest syndrome (check recent episodes and the resulting bear screencaps), and, on the other hand, a face lined like a mountainside. Yet this cover shot not only has him “cleaned up real nice” (Cf. inside article photos), it spackles over his ravaged cheeks and nose, conceding only a few bemused forehead wrinkles and a single crease on the neck, as if to connote age. No doubt through a Photoshop layer mask, the designer amped up his blue Irish eyes to Boris Becker proportions.

Those aren’t eyeballs, they’re gumballs. This isn’t a photo, it’s a photo-illustration. It’s a few evolutionary steps removed from Michael Jackson’s nose. It’s the sort of treatement usually reserved for starlets with an acne problem. This isn’t Mike Rowe’s face, it’s Dorian Gray’s.

“An easy win for Hubie the Love Bug.”

I’m in two items listed, and could have fared quite a bit better in both.

I’ve read all the Onion books (and compiled a list of greatest hits), but the two most scarifyingly plausible stories were, one, a tale of Japan’s being catapulted back to the 21st century by an earthquake (complete with present-day photo of J-teens straight out of Fruits), and, two, last week’s well-delivered parody of American blowhard sportscasting. (The Onion’s video interferes with you when you pause; YouTube’s is as blurry as ever; iTunes’s version is clearest.)

Except the sport here is sepak takraw (ตะกร้อ).

The delivery is another example of meaning imparted by intonation rather than words. I think it’s time for an annotated transcript. (You have no idea how much work this entailed, or of how many facts the Onion’s writers cribbed from Wikipedia and sometimes got wrong.)

MICHAEL BANNON: Right now, news from the international saypack tackraw league. Bad boy Nguyễn Thị Bích Thủy is grabbing headlines once again. The Chon Buri Tigers have announced that they have suspended Thủy a record fifth time this season, citing his public criticism of coach Ha Tung Lap for not running the offence through him more. Once again, here are those controversial comments from Thủy.

THỦY (translated): I am the best player on my team. Just give me the damn sepak takraw ball.

BANNON: We’ve heard that before. And joining us now is senior Onion News Network sports analyst Reggie Greengrass. Thủy just can’t stay out of trouble, can he?

GREENGRASS: It certainly seems that way, Michael.

— Well, “give me the damn seppik takraw ball” – I mean, come on, doesn’t Thủy get the ball as much [as] if not more [than] any other takrawer in the league?

— It’s unbelievable, Michael. I mean, Thủy touches rattan on 85% of the Tigers’ volleys, OK?

— Right.

— He’s earned the attention. He’s got a roll-spike rate of 93, but he’s asking for more.

— 93 is great. What does he want?

— Look, when you’re in your 13.1-by-6.4, you’ve got to be thinking in terms of your regu. This season alone, Thủy’s cautionable offences include entering the court without the technical delegate’s permission –

— I love that.

— Showing dissent through word or action and leaving the court without the permission of the technical delegate.

— How does he get away with this?

— Coach Lap tried to instill some discipline. He moved Thủy from the service circle to the quarter circle. We both know that’s not an easy decision to make with a King’s Cup on the line. Michael, this guy basically thinks of himself as the god Hanuman – you know, playing takraw in a group of monkeys like in the mural at Wat Phra Kaew?

[Laughter]

— Big picture: Is Thủy good for seppik tikraw?

— Well, listen, interest in the sport has never been higher. But is it for the right reasons? I mean, do we want to talk about his regu substitution pattern or the fact that he’s dating Nahathai Lekbumrung?

— Yeah, I’m jealous. Well, he’s already had a tremendous effect on the rest of the league.

— Absolutely. Other takrawers are not as vocal as Thủy, but they are signing ฿3 trillion deals, releasing their own luk thung albums. Their faces are all over our Thai-bean-custard containers –

— That’s for sure.

— Yet many of these guys can’t even wait around after a match to sign rattans on the pitch. I think sepak takraw is gonna have to take a long, hard look at itself if it wants to keep relating to the average fan.

— You bet. Reggie Greengrass, thank you for your time, sir.

— My pleasure.

— Talk to you again.